Sometimes, like this morning, I feel frozen. Like if I start that task or make one move, I will disrupt the natural balance of things around me. I fear making things worse than before I arrived, but I am aware that my inaction in a given situation will also be detrimental to it. I'm damned if I do, and definitely damned if I don't.
You'd think by now, in my late-r thirties that I can get over everything by now. I surely choose my battles. I really sweat the small stuff way way way less than I ever did. I have eliminated a high majority of stressors in my life. I only nourish myself with people and experiences that are of value. But there are still some things that I cannot let go of, and the problem is, I do not always know what those things to let go of are. So I freeze. I withdraw. I just stop. You would think this inactivity would end in silence and calm, but it does not. Does it ever?
I stew. I fret. I feel frustrated. I feel ashamed. I feel burdened. I feel annoyed. And oftentimes I just feel all of those things towards myself, because deep down inside I do know what I need to do, and usually it starts with letting go of old beliefs in my head that no longer serve me, with changing simple habits like lazing around (to be honest) and blowing things off.
Why is it so hard to let go of that 'junk' that holds us back, especially when we don't want it in our lives anymore? That junk that I hold onto is that feeling that maybe I am a bull in a china shop and the moves I make to get through it will leave some kind of destruction in its wake. This is a bit senseless, to be frank. That really has not happened yet in my life. I do not have an old experience from my childhood where I messed up something fierce and was punished, things I touch do not turn to black, and I am not at all living a life that is unlucky. Perhaps that is what I have to let go of, the thought that messing up big time is due. Thinking that because I am midway into my life and haven't really messed up horribly, that I will in fact have to mess something up very soon. Why is it so easy to hold onto the negative thoughts instead of the positive ones? Why do we do that to ourselves? Don't we deserve to give ourselves more credit? Shouldn't I say to myself when I am frozen, "You always figure it out. You always do your best to do the right thing. You can handle this, and if you can't, you know who to lean on to help you out."
I am frozen right now because I cannot let it go, and oh-my-gosh I cannot believe that I am referencing the poignance of a Disney song and its message, to let all of those ideas and beliefs go and to get out of my own way. I need to let it go not just because I SHOULD, but because I CAN.
Hmmm.... maybe. Just maybe.